A few days ago a 'Trending Topic' on Twitter inspired me to persue in a little background research of the weird, wild and wacky names inside the football game. There were some really beauties - old and new, common and rare, crude and light-hearted.
I've stuck together my own top 10 in this list that would certainly give any commentator one hell'uva field day!
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The resemblance to the
little rodent is unerring. |
10) Razvan Rat - This quirkily named little Romanian became something of a 'Manager-game cult hero' to the football nerds of the world before making the appearing to the eye of the 'real world' in Shakhtar Donetsk's debut Champions League terms. It just seems to be the way this one rolls off the tongue so beautifully, the added bonus of the surname being a horrendous, filthy little rodent is just the cherry on the cake. His middle name turns out to be 'Dinca' - now, shoving that in the middle would ruin it - we love it just how it is.
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Certainly not someone
you'd Fucks around with. |
9) Argelico Fucks - We'll have to get a prental age limit for this one, the poor Brazilian centre half created a media-loving storm when he finally made the move to European football and Benfica in 2001. Journalists were no doubt left drooling with the sheer thought at big headliners - perhaps unsuprisingly the South American never ended up residing in a nation that could speak any words of English, perhaps the climate put him off. There remains no doubt though that despite a largely unspectacular career our favourite 'Fucks' has gone down in folklore.
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Far too good looking for such
a name! |
8) Ricky van Wolfswinkel - There plenty of ways to take Sporting Lisbon's Dutch forward and still consider it a classic. The simplistic choice of 'Ricky' in the context is rather apt, the quite random 'van' lodged in the middle just appears rather out of place and desperate before the pièce de résistance 'Wolfswinkel' is sheer comedic delight. The young man is not a half bad centre forward, young and prominant - scored a lot of goals at Utrecht before his big move to Lisbon - you always feel that something
will always condemn his talent. Shirt sales may not be considered his best feature, seriously - who would walk around with 'Dogs' manhood' printed on his back?
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| Just classicly childish! |
7) Rod Fanni - What a glorious one this it. First of all, as a Liverpool supporter there are parts of me that are quite glad his move to Anfield never fully developed - though, the odds of me getting the first ever right-back on the back of my shirt may have shortened! The geniusly simplistic option of Mr and Mrs Fanni sticking solely to 'Rod' is another factor that worked in his favour. Short for 'Rodney' (Classic) - just a short, slick, typically English name mixed together with the wonderfully ironic French surname works a treat. In all honesty, Wikipedia got it in a nutshell: "In December 2010, Marseille successfully acquired the services of Fanni." Lovely.
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Looks anything but a ponce
to me. |
6) Waldo Ponce - In truth 'Ponce' would be at the tail end of list of nicknames for this 6 foot plus, hairy, rather wild Chilean central defender. It is yet another blissful reminder that these foreigners who enjoy cutting words from their extravagently long names can sometimes work in our favour (see Kaka). Waldo Alonso Ponce Carrizo rings out his full birthname, surely 'Alonso' or 'Carrizo' would have been wise? Admittedly, the latter sounds a tad like a Spanish sausage but surely better than 'Ponce?' Surely?? Who knows though, it was that choice that has more than likely made him a hit and more importantly made it to our page! One of Chile's most prominant performers at the 2010 World Cup, he can certainly play.
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Not quite sure what else
needs to be said... |
5) Ralf Minge - One of the more elder statesman of our list this now 51 year old former forward spent the entire of his 11 year career at Dynamo Dresden. Now I'm no expert, but that reaks of 'The club have accepted me for what my shirt says - best not move on!'. The goal scorer was no bystander either, he had a fully-fledged international career with the old East Germany side. I'm not too sure what else needs to be stated here; oh yes, if you're not all too familiar with the 'slanged' term of his surname - I'd probably advise you [not] to give it a Google search!
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'Vindaloo!' - What a
classic. |
4) Bernt Haas - We are getting into real marvellous territory now and we continue into the top 5 with this simply sumptious one from Vienna, Austria - one Premier League followers will be all too familiar with. There are not too many on our list that gather their wonderful name-calling from the culmination of both their first and surname. The waves of excitement across the whole nation could be felt when West Bromwich Albion announced their latest signee - the Midlanders to their credit - went quite easily on their full-back, I mean any nasty supporter could have quite easily thought up a quirky yet hurting nickname for their new star. 'Vindaloo' was what they chose; and it did the job wonderfully.
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Almost feel for the
lad here - almost... |
3) Nortei Nortey - Heading into unchartered territory of ridiculously mind-blowing naming we have this effort from the current Chelsea academy. Rose to prominance in a youth game with Manchester United at Old Trafford aired on ITV4 - It didn't take long before our young Mr Nortey to gain himself a bit of a following. Now we are not making assumptions - he could well go on to be the next Gary Linekar and not make a single tackle in his career, but surely it would just be far too much fun for his to karate kick a supporter in the face so The Sun could get their extremely intellectual minds racings and come up with the headline: 'Naughty Nortey'...
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Mark [Most certainly not]
De Man |
2) Mark De Man - So brilliant and the Belgium midfielder most likely doesn't even know it. Mark is most definitely 'de man' when it comes to making the top two on our list - unfortnately however - when it comes to football, the sport he chose and is employed to earn a living, his 'de man' status is quite radically drawn into questioning. Things started solidly enough with almost 100 league appearences in his native land for Anderlecht, but it was his failed move to the Eridivisie that really cost our SuperHero sounding, surely combative midfielder. Last thing we heard of our star he was being touted for a move to either Kilmarnok in the SPL or Darlington in the English Blue Square Premier. He is mostly certainly not 'de man'.
1) Yaya Banana - Ladies and Gentleman may I pronounce our proud victor - and
yes you did read that name correctly! If we English raised an eyebrow or two at the arrival of the now seemingly 'normal' named Yaya Toure a couple of years ago, what about Banana?! Agreed our recently signed Sochaux midfielder may sound in effect like he's gaging for a particular food to munch on he is apparently no slouch - having aided his Tunisian side Esperance all the way to the African Champions League title and appearing against Barcelona. What a belter of a name though, "Surely fake?" I hear you cry; you'd be wrong. It is unfortunately the Yaya that bares itself on the back of his jersey - though he has been branded with number 3 in France - which almost appear a set of bananas in its' own right!
We love it - a very worthy winner!
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